The continuing adventures of the Leconauts
Stardate:
S31:E01
You have landed at the place where you can experience the continuing chronicles of the Loudhailer Electric Company mothership and crew. Starring Leconauts Captain Lou Loudhailer, Sonic Architect Parsons, Ricardo the Astral Bard and Bombardier Burnby. This is Season 31 of the adventurous antics of the Leconauts traversing the galaxy and encountering a myriad of marvellous musical lifeforms and dastardly villains as they venture forth to perform at the galaxy’s Temples of Song.
SEASON 31
S31:E01
STATLER AND WALDORF ! INCOMING ALERT! IT’S TIME TO RECONNECT WITH THOSE LOVEABLE SPACE ADVENTURERS, THE LECONAUTS! STRAP YOURSELVES IN AS WE HEAD OFF ONCE MORE INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER AND EMBARK UPON EPISODE ONE OF SEASON THIRTY-ONE OF THE LECO CHRONICLES!!!
Dino of Jackson D’Ville was feeling disconsolate. The passing of Lady Jane of Birkini had affected his sense of joie de vivre. It was the same whenever one of his ex-lovers departed this life. He tried hard to focus the good times he had shared with Lady Jane, and before her the secret agent, Emma Peel. Inevitably, they all left him; such was his fate as a Neris, an immortal being forever destined to be irresistible to members of the fairer sex………. Now, sitting at the helm of his galactic starcruiser, the Italian Vogue, he decided it was time to snap out of his reverie. There was work to be done……….
………”And then I had to wrestle four sacrificial bulls! I bested them, of course, and the Ionians applauded for all they were worth! They plied me with retsina and ouzo until I didn’t know if it was Thursday or Lewisham!” “What’s retsina and ouzo? And Lewisham, for that matter?”, asked the Astral Bard. “Well,” replied the Bombardier, warming to his subject. “Retsina is a type of spacejuice, and ouzo….”, but he got no further as the Vistascreen crackled into life and the grizzly visage of Admiral Bunting appeared. “All hail the Leconauts!”, cried the wily spacedog. “All hail Admiral Bunting!”, replied the psonic renegades. “I have some disturbing news!”, cried the Admiral. “No surprise there, then!”, muttered the Bombardier under his breath. He had the distinct feeling that the rest of his stories from the Ionian peninsula would have to be put on hold for the foreseeable future. Captain Lou interrupted his musings by digging him in the ribs with her elbow. “How can we assist?”, she replied, brightly.
“It’s Dino of Jackson D’Ville!”, replied the Admiral. “He has taken the Italian Vogue out of spacedock without authorisation. The ship was undergoing a refit to upgrade its subsonic flangector array. His armaments are compromised.” “That shouldn’t be too much of a problem, should it?”, countered Captain Lou. “He’ll have Zachary of the Odorou with him, won’t he?” “That’s just the thing!”, said the Admiral. “Zachary isn’t with him. He was on shore leave, looking after his infodissemination empire. And Lady Sarah is overseeing production in her kohl mines. As far as our sensors can tell he’s on his own. And what’s more, he’s headed into the thirteenth quadrant…..!” “Surely you don’t mean……..!”
………Dino of Jackson D’Ville was strapped to the wheel of the Italian Vogue, a look of steely determination in his eyes. The solar winds buffeted his craft as it careened through uncharted space toward its destination. He little knew what he expected to find there, but once he had made his decision there was no turning back. They could take his stripes; well, they could try. He was a renegade, after all. Why should he bow to the commands of some overblown authority figure? Surely being a renegade meant that you recognised no authority but that of your own self?! The thought amused him. He chuckled; then chortled; then cackled; and at last an all-encompassing series of guffaws wracked his lithe frame. As the Italian Vogue hurtled through space, no-one could hear him laugh………….
……..”Yes, I do mean!”, replied the Admiral. “The Spirit World!”, said the Sonic Architect. The other three Leconauts turned to regard him, all with varying degrees of surprise and shock upon their faces. Mentioning the Spirit World was one of the few taboos still carrying any weight within society.
“What do you wish us to do?”, asked Captain Lou, already knowing what the answer would be. “Pursue him!”, cried the Admiral. The Bombardier groaned. “And bring him back!”
S31:E02
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO! HAVE YOU GOT YOUR TICKETS YET? YOU HAVE? WELL DONE, YOU!! YOU HAVEN’T? THEN GET YOURSELF ONLINE AND GO TO skiddle.com/e/36373287 AND SPEND AT LEAST £5, THEN COME BACK AND READ SEASON THIRTY-ONE EPISODE TWO OF THE LECO CHRONICLES!!!!
Dino of Jackson D’Ville stared wild-eyed into the blackness of space. Stars sped by as his spaceship, the Italian Vogue, streaked through the outer quadrants on its way to uncharted regions. He was alone on the bridge, having launched his craft single-handedly, whilst his Thunder Conjuror, Zachary of The Odorou, was on shore leave. Dino had set himself a mission and every fibre of his being was bent on achieving his goal. The fact that he was attempting what everyone in the known universe regarded as impossible as well as totally inadvisable was of no moment to him. He would show them……..
……..Captain Lou furrowed her brow; “Just let me get this straight, Admiral. A member of the Renegade Alliance has placed himself and his starcruiser in mortal danger by attempting to travel to a fabled destination from which no-one has ever returned and you would like us to pursue him in our ship with the entirely possible, even probable, outcome that we also may not return?”
An uncomfortable silence fell, broken at last by Admiral Bunting. “Yes, well, I don’t mean for you to go alone. After consultation with the Brains Trust it has been decided that Shaman Hood of the Hawk, Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling should accompany you.” More silence; this time it was the Bombardier who broke it. “Ah, well, that’s ok, then! As long as we aren’t the only ones to face certain peril! Yes, why not send three of the most important sages of the age along with us? That way, we can really pile on the jeopardy!”
The Admiral, shuffled from one foot to the other, a sure sign of the discomfiture he was doubtless feeling. It did not, however, show on his face. Captain Lou spoke. “Very well. But I want it recorded that I embark upon this mission with serious misgivings. I place the safety of my crew above all other considerations. And as for the Shaman…….” As if by magic, the Transference Spot began to glow and a swirling mist spun and circled upwards as purple stars emanated from the column of fugue. Three figures emerged; Shaman Hood of the Hawk, Young Syd, and Brett of the Ham Bling! The Shaman smiled. “Did I hear my name mentioned?”, he asked innocently. “Did someone say ‘almost certain peril’?” asked Young Syd. “A squid eating dough in a poly-ethylene bag is fast and bulbous!” said Brett……..
…….The Italian Vogue suddenly began to shake violently. “Gimbals!”, cried Dino. Lights began to flash and a klaxon “whooped”. Then the ship stabilised. “Magnify!”, cried Dino. The Vistascreen projected forward at a dizzying speed. Dino felt the pull in the pit of his stomach, although in actual fact there was no motion, just the illusion of it. Outside, a purple glow filled the firmament, hung with twinkling stars. Dino smiled, then spoke to the empty bridge. “Welcome to the Twilight Zone………!!!”
S31:E03
WILSON, KEPPEL AND BETTY! THE DAY OF RECKONING DRAWS NEAR! THE GREAT GOD SKIDDLE AWAITS YOUR GENUFLECTIONS! TO APPEASE THE SKYGODS YOU MUST GO TO skiddle.com/e/36373287 AND PURCHASE A FISTFUL OF BOARDING PASSES FOR THE NEXT FLIGHT OF THE LECO! THEN, RETURN TO THIS PAGE AND READ ON……..!!!!
The four Leconauts stood facing the three new arrivals; Shaman Hood of the Hawk, Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling. For a handful of quantabits no-one spoke. Perhaps the enigmatic pronouncement made by Brett had made everyone unsure of how to proceed. Then, the Psonic Architect broke the silence. “Bulbous, also tapered!”, he said. Brett smiled and replied, “Tight, also!” “That’s right!”, responded the Psonic Architect, shaking hands in the ancient Terra Gaian way with Brett as he spoke. Everyone relaxed visibly. Shaman Hood smiled and spoke to the Psonic Architect. “I hear
congratulations
are in order! You are elevated to the heady echelons of the Psonic Pserenaders of Psunrise Psity!”
“Thank you, Shaman Hood!”, replied the Psonic Architect, colouring visibly.
“It is most gracious of Admiral Bunting to invite the three of you to accompany us on this mission!”, said Captain Lou, her tone somewhat belying the expressed sentiment. “Yes”, replied the Shaman. “He was most insistent that we bring our image-capturing devices!” The Captain raised an eyebrow. “Was he, indeed?” “Most insistent!”, replied the Shaman. “I wonder just what he intends you to capture?”, mused Captain Lou. “Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion have been rather overdone, wouldn’t you say?!” The three image capturers smiled thinly then all seemed to find their boots suddenly inordinately interesting………
Dino of Jackson D’Ville sat entranced on the bridge of the Italian Vogue. He had dimmed the lights and pushed up the brightness on his Vistascreen to maximum levels. The firmament was filled with glittering stars but as they drew nearer to his starcruiser they revealed themselves for what they actually were; tiny effulgent figures inside plasma shells. “Where are you?” murmured Dino as the figures floated by……….
………In the Room of Relaxation on board the Leco, the four Leconauts and their guests were ensconced in sumptuously-upholstered armchairs. Each held a crystal goblet which the Shaman had filled from his fabled earthenware jug. The psyder effervesced within the goblets, seeming to send out pleasing thoughts to the minds of those holding the vessels. “What do we know?”, asked the Astral Bard. The Shaman smiled and spoke. “We know that the passing of Lady Jane of Birkini seems to have precipitated Dino’s flight from Spaceport.” “We also know”, added Young Syd, “that he has been running his Vistascreen at full magnification and his scanners on sentience level seven.”
“Level seven!”, exclaimed the Bombardier. “But that would only detect archangels!” “Quite so!”, answered Brett. “And he has set his target acquisitors to a very narrow range of possible parameters!” “What does this mean?!”, asked Captain Lou. “It means”, answered the Shaman, “that he is searching for a specific archangel.” He raised an eyebrow. A momentary silence, then the Psonic Architect spoke; “Lady Jane of Birkini!” The Shaman smiled…………
……..The Italian Vogue glided through the Twilight Zone as Dino of Jackson D’Ville took in every twinkling star which passed across his field of vision. Then, the sound of distant trumpets swelled and crescendoed in a delirious majestic chord. Dino sat up straight and raised his awareness to beyond its normal range of perception. She was near. Then, another sound cut through the euphoric trumpets; “Je t’aime……je t’aime…..je t’aime”………!
S31:E04
JEWEL AND WARRISS! IT’S TIME TO LOG ON TO SKIDDLE AND BOOK YOUR TICKETS FOR THIS YEAR’S LAST FLIGHT OF THE LECO! GO TO skiddle.com/e/36373287, DO THE NECESSARY THEN COME BACK AND READ SEASON THIRTY-ONE EPISODE FOUR OF THE LECO CHRONICLES! YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE…….!!!
The Leconauts made the final preparations in readiness for their mission. Shaman Hood, Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling were ensconced in the Hospitality Section on the upper decks of the Leco. “All systems operative and optimised!”, cried the Astral Bard. “Sablestar Core at critical mass!”, added the Psonic Architect. “Thunder Machine ripe and raring to go!” announced the Bombardier. “Very well!”, said Captain Lou. “Take her out!” The Firebird Class Starcruiser began to move with a graceful power, clearing its moorings within Spaceport, and approaching the exit hatch as the huge steel doors slowly opened to reveal the blackness of space. It was a sight of which the Leconauts would never tire. There was no feeling quite like the beginning of a mission……….
……..Dino of Jackson D’Ville locked his audio sensors onto the eerie disembodied voice. A coded message from Lady Jane of Birkini. “Je t’aime……je t’aime…….” His eyes misted over and a feeling of calm filled his spirit. His deft fingers made micro adjustments to the helm of the Italian Vogue and the huge ship turned delicately through several planes simultaneously seeking the source of the siren call………
Admiral Bunting stepped out of the shuttlecraft and onto the porch of his log cabin on Svalbard. As soon as the Leco had cleared Spaceport and the mighty steel doors had clanged shut he had set off for his isolated retreat in the far north. He did his best thinking here, and he really needed to think………
……“Do we have any idea of how we are going to ascertain the whereabouts of the Italian Vogue?”, asked the Bombardier. “Needle and haystack comes to mind!” “As a matter of fact we are already tailing the Italian Vogue!”, answered the Astral Bard, trying to not sound too smug. “What? How? Whu?”, spluttered the Bombardier. The Bard smiled, mischief in his eye. “Dino has a complex pheromonal signature which he constantly emits”, he continued. “It takes several dodecabits to disperse. Fortunately for us he hasn’t got that much of a head start!” “Complex pheromonal signature?!”, scoffed the Bombardier. “What rot!” “No, it’s completely correct!”, said the Psonic Architect. “It’s all part of his biological make-up. It comes with being a Neris.” The Bombardier didn’t reply. He had never been sure what a Neris was, and he wasn’t about to expose his ignorance in front of his crewmates. Fortunately, or perhaps not, Captain Lou seemed to have sensed the gap in his knowledge. “The Neris were an ancient race of island people. They lived in the mid-world of Terra Gaia in the Age of Legends. They were all men.” “But how did they, you know……..?!” asked the Bombardier, struggling to conceal the consternation in his voice. “Reproduce?”, said the Captain, innocently. The Bombardier flushed. “They were irresistible to females”, she continued. The Neris would sit upon rocky outcrops in the sea, launching their spacechants into the aether, and any woman who heard the song was doomed to a life of slavish subservience, under the spell of the Neris.” For a long moment there was silence, then the Bombardier laughed, a little too loudly and a little too long………
……..Dino of Jackson D’Ville had entered a fugue state; all his senses on high alert and totally focussed on the one goal. He would find Lady Jane. Then, a subtle shift in the plasma field alerted him. It was as if a section of time had been removed. In fact, it was as if it had never been there in the first place. And there she was; a golden bubble, twinkling in an entirely different way to all those around it. He was amazed he hadn’t noticed it before. Once you saw it you couldn’t believe that you’d missed it! It was her! The Lady Jane Birkini! Her golden song filled Dino’s consciousness; “Je t’aime…..je t’aime……je t’aime”………!!!
S31:E05
FLANAGAN AND ALLEN! WE HAVE TO GET TO SKIDDLE AND TYPE IN THE SURVIVAL CODE skiddle.com/e/36373287 ! FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS, RETURN TO BASE AND FINISH THE BRIEFING BELOW! THEN RENDEZVOUS AT SPACEPORT ON 19/08/23 AT 19:00 HOURS. YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE. AND TALKING OF MAKING SENSE, HERE’S EPISODE FIVE OF SEASON THIRTY-ONE OF THE LECO CHRONICLES!
The Leco streaked through uncharted space toward the edge of the mapped universe. Beyond lay the unknown wilderness which space travellers had always called the Twilight Zone. In fact it was more like the dead of night; a stygian blackness held sway. There were virtually no stars and the Leconauts were navigating only by following the pheromone trail left by Dino of Jackson D’Ville. Without that, they would have had nothing on which to fix…….
……..Dino had powered down the Italian Vogue’s propulsion unit and was slowly drifting. The twinkling bubble which had drawn him through interminable reaches of space was there outside, tantalisingly close but out of reach. His tractor beams had no effect on the object and the robot limbs on the ship’s exterior were useless. There was only one thing for it; he would have to do it the old-fashioned way, by donning a spacesuit and leaving the comparative safety of his vessel………..
…….Admiral Bunting looked up into the night sky. How many times had he stood like this, his neck craned, taking in the utter vastness of the cosmos? When he was a boy he had tried to count the stars but had given up when he reached two hundred, realising that he hadn’t even covered a tenth of the visible firmament. “Somewhere out there”, he thought, “are two of my most valuable ships and their crews.”…….
……..Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling sat with Shaman Hood in the Leco’s hospitality zone. The Shaman spoke; “Do you have your image capturers ready?”, he asked. Two heads nodded in unison. “Good!”, he replied. “When the time comes we will have to act quickly. Lady Jane must be contained effectively so we can safely return her to Terra Gaia. My guess is that Dino will not countenance our actions and may try to frustrate our endeavours. We will leave it to the Leconauts to persuade him to allow us to operate unimpeded!”……
…….Ship ahoy!”, cried the Astral Bard. Captain Lou turned swiftly to the Vistascreen. Sure enough, there it was; the Italian Vogue………
…….”Hatch!”, cried Dino and the outer door of his main airlock slid open. He pushed off, unused to the feeling of weightlessness and taking a moment to adjust to the requisite amount of force needed to move. There was the golden bubble; the visage of Lady Jane of Birkini turned upward to face his own. She smiled…….
………As the Leco drew nearer to the Italian Vogue the Astral Bard sat up straight, all senses alert. “Hello!”, he cried. “Something is not quite right!” “How do you mean?”, asked Captain Lou. “Dino is outside his ship, in a spacesuit!” “What?!”, cried the Captain. “What on Gaia is he doing?” “It looks like he is trying to reach an object. One of those bubbles we’ve been seeing.” “Wait a sextagrain; what happened then?!”, said the Psonic Architect, concern in his voice. “His umbilical!”, cried the Bombardier. “It’s been cut!”
Dino’s gloved hands closed around the golden bubble, but could not effect a grip. The surface of the bubble was like polished glass and his hands could find no purchase. Then, a hissing sound claimed his attention. The severed umbilical cord floated into his field of vision and Lady Jane’s face contorted into a hideous rictus. Her lips drew back, revealing long, sharp fangs…….
Dino laughed bitterly and spoke; “Ladies and gentlemen, we are floating in space”……….
S31:E06
MULLIGAN AND O’HARE! THE NICE ALGORITHMS AT SKIDDLE ARE WAITING FOR YOUR FINGERCLICKS! FOLLOW THIS LINK skiddle.com/e/36373287 THEN RETURN TO THIS VERY SPOT AND FEAST YOUR EYES ON EPISODE SIX OF SEASON THIRTY-ONE OF THE LECO CHRONICLES! DEFINITELY NOT CREATED BY AI!!!
The Astral Bard looked out from the observation pod into the emptiness of space; except, it wasn’t empty at all. As his eyes became accustomed to the view he realised that the emptiness was actually full of tiny floating bubbles, some silver, some red, and a small number which were golden. He was filled with a feeling of peaceful contentment as he watched the tiny shapes randomly moving through the void. His reverie was interrupted as his three crewmates sailed out of the Leco, their dark-matter thruster packs propelling them toward the figure of Dino of Jackson D’Ville who was doing his best to hang onto a golden bubble……….
……..Deep in the bowels of the Leco sat Shaman Hood of the Hawk, Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling. Brett was coming to the end of an implausible tale which purported to explain the derivation of his name. He had told his companions that a long-lost ancestor, a chanteuse in the Age of Legends, had taken to wearing the flesh of porcine animals as clothing and jewellery. Hence the Ham Bling. “Fascinating!” said Shaman Hood. The slightly uncomfortable silence which followed was thankfully broken by an alarm tone which came from within the voluminous folds of Shaman Hood’s cloak. “It’s time!”, he said……..
……..The three Leconauts approached Dino, who looked up without any expression of surprise upon his face, as if meeting three fellow galactic renegades out in the furthest reaches of uncharted space was a perfectly normal and everyday occurrence. “I can’t seem to gain purchase!”, he exclaimed. The golden bubble which he was trying so hard to secure was forever resisting his attempts to hold it, evading his grasp as if it were covered with an oily fluid making it impossible to secure in any effective way. “Come, Dino!”, said the Captain, let us return to the Italian Vogue and devise a plan. Four heads are better than one, would you not say?”……….
………The Astral Bard turned as the sounds of movement alerted him to the presence of others. He caught sight of Shaman Hood, Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling, all carrying their image capturers and heading toward the escape hatch. All three were wearing thruster packs……….
…….”I can’t leave her here!”, said Dino, indicating the golden bubble. Captain Lou peered at the glittering sphere and saw the face of Lady Jane of Birkini within. Lady Jane smiled at the Captain, filling her with a wondrous feeling of euphoria. “We will come back for her!” Dino considered for a moment, then said “You promise?” “Yes”, replied the Captain……..
……..Shaman Hood, Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling identified the golden bubble quickly. They had waited for Dino and the three Leconauts to withdraw before approaching. Shaman Hood manoeuvred himself to face the bubble head on. Young Syd positioned himself above it and Brett alongside and to the starboard side. They all pointed their image capturers at the glimmering orb. “Engage!”, cried Shaman Hood. Three shutters clicked simultaneously, beams of polychromatic plasma engulfed the sphere, and then it disappeared. “Success!”, cried the Shaman. “Now, back to the Leco!”……….
S31:E07
LAUREL AND HARDY! HAVE YOU BEEN TO SKIDDLE YET? IF NOT TYPE IN skiddle.com/e/36373287 TO YOUR SEARCH ENGINE OF CHOICE, DO YOUR BUSINESS THEN RETURN HEAR FOR EPISODE SEVEN OF SEASON THIRTY-ONE OF THE LECO CHRONICLES! IT’S THE MOST THRILLS YOU’LL HAVE TODAY!!!!
The Astral Bard continued to monitor events outside the Leco; as the three other Leconauts accompanied Dino of Jackson D’Ville back to his ship, the Italian Vogue, Shaman Hood, Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling were in the process of capturing the golden bubble which contained Lady Jane of Birkini. As the three image capturers made their way back to the Leco, the Astral Bard’s mind became foggy, his thoughts confused. He suddenly felt an overwhelming tiredness, and lay down, closed his eyes and fell into the arms of Morpheus………
………Captain Lou, the Psonic Architect and Bombardier Burnby had succeeded in returning Dino to the Italian Vogue. They now sat on the ship’s bridge, sipping arabica and discussing how best to effect the safe passage of the golden bubble to the Italian Vogue. The Bombardier had come up with an idea; he was in the process of fashioning a pair of plasma handlers from various bits and pieces he’d found in the ship’s workshop. He returned looking very pleased with himself with what looked for all the world like a pair of pugilist’s gloves from the Age of Legends. “This should do the trick!”, he cried. The four space renegades sallied forth again, but could not locate the golden bubble. “Oh no!”, cried Dino. “Where is she?!” Captain Lou confessed herself confounded. She had been there, in this exact spot, mere sextagrains ago. The only solution was that she had somehow found her way onto the Leco; there were no other lifeforms close by, nor any signs of celestial storms or spatial disturbances………..
……..Shaman Hood, Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling reached the loading dock of the Leco and entered. They made their way down to the Room of Reliquaries, deep in the bowels of the ship. The Shaman opened a deep stasis storage canister and carefully inserted the golden bubble. The face of Lady Jane looked up at him questioningly, but the Shaman betrayed no emotion as he replaced the lid……….
………..Back on board the Italian Vogue, Dino was disconsolate. He paced to and fro, wringing his hands and sobbing. The Leconauts looked on, unable to offer solace or comfort. Eventually Captain Lou spoke; “We must return to the Leco and head back to Spaceport. Will you come with us, Dino?” “I will!”, he replied. There is nothing to keep me here now.” “I promise we will do our best to solve this mystery”, avowed Captain Lou, already formulating some ideas as she spoke……..
………Back on the bridge of the Leco, the three returning Leconauts found Shaman Hood, Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling, relaxing in an almost too-casual way. “The Astral Bard not with you?!”, asked Captain Lou. The Shaman opened his mouth to answer but with that the bridge door opened with its customary “whoosh” and a very sleepy-looking Astral Bard entered. He stopped, yawned and stretched, then sat with his crewmates. Captain Lou regarded him quizzically, an unuttered question upon her visage. “Er, I must have fallen asleep!”, said the Bard in answer. “Most strange. I feel absolutely whacked!” The Captain stared across to their three guests, who all seemed to have suddenly found their thumbs incredibly interesting……..
Then, the Vistascreen crackled into life and a head appeared. It wore the instantly recognisable peaked cap of the Galactic Council Cosmic Fleet. “I am Trib U-Tact of the Galactic Council Enforcement Division. You are all under arrest! Resistance is futile!”……………
S31:E08
RAWICZ AND LANDAUER! THE DAY APPROACHES! THERE’S STILL TIME TO GO TO skiddle.com/e/36373287 AND PURCHASE YOUR TICKET TO RIDE AT A FRACTION OF ITS TRUE WORTH! WHEN YOU’VE DONE THAT COME BACK TO THIS VERY SPOT AND FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS IN EPISODE EIGHT OF SEASON THIRTY-ONE OF THE LECO CHRONICLES! HOO-BAA!!
“Trib U-Tact?!”, Who the Manilow are you, scoffed the Bombardier. “Bland Formulaic’s successor, I’ll be bound”, said Captain Lou, darkly. “Correct, Captain, or should I say Lou Loudhailer, as the Galactic Council does not recognise your rank awarded as it was by a dangerous enemy of the Council who is wanted in all seventeen quadrants!”
“Perhaps you’ll recognise this!”, said Shaman Hood of the Hawk who had appeared as if by magic on the bridge of the Leco. He held up a golden bubble, which clearly contained a living, sentient being of some kind. Dino gasped. “Surrender the bubble!”, cried Trib U-Tact. “Not a chance!”, answered the Shaman, his voice cold steel. “You may like to come and get it?!” No reply. “I thought not!”, said the Shaman. “Stalemate!”, cried the Bombardier.
Just then, two figures hove into view behind Trib U-Tact and the Galactic Enforcement Drones which flanked him. The Leconauts tried not to show any sign of surprise. “Engage!” cried the Shaman, and Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling, for ‘twas they, pressed the shutters of their image capturing devices. Trib U-Tact disappeared. “Transport!”, cried the Shaman. The Transporter beam on the bridge of the Leco began to emit purple clouds of sweet-smelling vapour and golden stars coruscated and twinkled in an upward spiral. Then, out of the mist walked Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling. Everyone smiled.
Later, the four Leconauts and their three companions along with Dino of Jackson D’Ville, sat in sumptuous faux-leather armchairs in the Service Personnel Bar deep in the bowels of the Leco. The Shaman regarded a double helix which was silently spinning. Within its confines were Trib U-Tact and his drones. “You won’t get away with this!”, cried the hapless official. “I’ll bet we will!”, laughed the Bombardier. “Who is this idiot anyway?” he enquired.
“He is from the most feared department of the Galactic Council’s Enforcement Division!”, replied the Captain. “Enforcing what?”, demanded the Bombardier. “It’s a long story”, said the Astral Bard. “I don’t see anyone demanding our presence!”, said the Bombardier. “Go ahead!”
“Very well”, answered the Bard, “but it is a tale of terror, perversion and subversion of all that is decent!” “We can take it!”, said the Bombardier.
“In the Age of Legends”, began the Bard, “groups of spacechanters would launch spacechants into the aether which they…..hadn’t created themselves!” Stunned silence met this pronouncement. “No!”, whispered the Bombardier, unable to believe what he was hearing. “Yes!”, continued the Bard, “and moreover, the people came to regard these spacechanters more highly than those who would only launch their own spacechants!” “Blasphemy!”, cried the Bombardier. “The Renegade Alliance took decisive action as soon as it was formed. The launching of spacechants written by others was proscribed, but the Galactic Council wanted the people’s entertainment to be free of hidden agendas and what they saw as subversion. They countered the Renegade Alliance’s pronouncement by issuing one of their own. Spacechants not approved by the Galactic Council were outlawed and anyone who persisted in launching them was considered an enemy of the state!” “That is how we became renegades!”, said the Psonic Architect. “And Bland Formulaic and our friend Trib U-Tact here became our sworn enemies!”
“What are we going to do with these…..worms!”, asked Dino darkly………..
S31:E09
PENN AND TELLER! HOW WILL THIS SITUATION BE RESOLVED?! WELL, A GOOD START WOULD BE TO GO TO skiddle.com/e/36373287 AND PURCHASE A FISTFULL OF TICKETS FOR TOMORROW NIGHT’S SHINDIG AT THE SPACEPORT OF O’RILEY! THEN, YOU COULD COME BACK HERE AND FIND OUT WHAT THE LECONAUTS DECIDE TO DO IN THE FINALE OF SEASON THIRTY-ONE OF THE LECO CHRONICLES!!!
“What is your business with the Lady Jane of Birkini?!”, asked Dino, a fire burning in his eyes. Trib U-Tact visibly quailed in the intensity of Dino’s gaze. “We were following orders!”, he cried, pathetically. The two drones quickly turned their heads toward him. They had not expected this response. “What does the Galactic Council want with Lady Jane?”, hissed Dino, circling the double helix which held the officials captive. “I don’t know!”, cried the jobsworth. “We were told to apprehend her bubble and return it to the Grand Adulterator, Cow-ell!” With that, the two drones turned again to Trib U-Tact; laser fire shot from both pairs of eyes, straight into the head of their erstwhile commander. He fell forward, quite dead. “Look out!”, cried the Bombardier. “Don’t worry!”, said Shaman Hood. “We are quite safe. They were programmed to respond in that way to any indication of treachery. The Galactic Council evidently held his life cheaper than the information he may have been about to reveal. If the drones try to attack us the double helix will repel their fire. Unfortunately for Trib U-Tact, he was in there with them!”
“It leaves Dino’s question unanswered”, said Captain Lou. “What did the Galactic Council want with Lady Jane?” The Shaman shrugged. “I fear we will get no satisfaction from these two. Shall we send them to the recycle bin?!” In answer, the Astral Bard pressed a large red button and the two drones disappeared. The double helix slowed in its spinning and sank into the floor.
“I have an idea”, said the Psonic Architect. All eyes turned to regard him. “Back in the Age of Legends, Lady Jane was notorious for her pioneering approach to spacechanting. She fell foul of the authorities then and was a figurehead for subversives. Perhaps the fact that they were unable to stop her in life meant that they carried their vendetta on into her death.” The Shaman smiled, then spoke. “The golden bubble contains her life force. If the Galactic Council had gained possession of it they could have destroyed it, effectively erasing her from existence.” “You mean….?” “Exactly!”, continued the Shaman. It would have been as if she never had lived!” Deep silence met this pronouncement. “If they had succeeded, I imagine they would have continued to harvest the bubbles of all former subversives, until creativity was effectively erased as its progenitors ceased to have ever existed!”
“Such evil!”, said the Bombardier. The Captain turned to Dino, her eyebrow arched. “Could I ask your own reason for venturing to the Twilight Zone with no-one on board your ship but yourself?” Dino smiled. “All that the Psonic Architect and the Shaman have said is true. On my last shore leave I was in a bar on Betelgeuse enjoying a few Campari and sodas, when I overheard a conversation between two persons, plainly Galactic Council agents. They had imbibed a little too much Martian sherbet and were loose with their tongues. It was there I learned of their dastardly plan. I realised the Lady Jane of Birkini’s immortal soul was in peril and decided I had to act. I knew such a mission was fraught with danger and I could not expect my crew or any renegades to put themselves at risk. So I chose to take out the Italian Vogue solo. Perhaps I was foolhardy, but the Lady Jane is venerated in my ancestral home and I appointed myself her champion. Thank Jimi we have secured her safety!”
“What will we do with the golden bubble?”, asked the Bard. “We should not remove her from her rightful place in the cosmic web.” The Shaman smiled. “We can set her free with impunity! The only reason Young Syd, Brett and I contained her in the first place was that I was unsure what the Galactic Council may try in order to possess her! Now I can see that the only way we were able to achieve this was because the collective consciousness in the Twilight Zone knew we meant her no harm. Anyone venturing into this realm with evil intent would find the unknown forces of the entire zone arrayed against them. There is no way they could succeed in removing anyone!”
A short time later, the Italian Vogue and the Leco were streaking through space back towards their familiar domain in the Non-dairy Way. They had agreed that such an outcome to their adventure merited a festival of spacechants. Admiral Bunting had agreed to hold it within the Temple of Oriley, in Kardomah City on Terra Gaia. He sent this message to the two ships; “Star Date 19082023. Temple of Oriley. Spacechanting and Psyder. Enter the following co-ordinates for detailed information. skiddle.com/e/36373287 “………………
POSTSCRIPT
And so it came to pass that the Leconauts and Dino of Jackson D’Ville did rendezvous at the Spaceport of Oriley with Admiral Bunting, Shaman Hood of the Hawk, Young Syd and Brett of the Ham Bling. Zachary of The Odorou and Frank Son of John did berate Dino most soundly for embarking upon a quest without them. Suitably admonished, Dino conceded that perhaps he should have given his stalwart crew the option to put themselves into almost certain peril.
Witches, warlocks, druids, thanes, harpies, trolls, elves, satyrs, nymphs and all manner of spacefolk did descend upon the Temple of Oriley and made merry to the sound of spacechants launched into the aether by Dino, Frank, Zach and the Leconauts. Psyder was quaffed and spacejuice did flow and the fabled earthenware jug of Shaman Hood did pour forth its contents unceasingly.
Then, Admiral Bunting dropped a bombshell. He disclosed that a crack had been found in the hull of the Leco and that the ship needed to enter Spacedock for a major refurbishment. “I’m afraid you won’t have a ship for the next four or five lunabits! But don’t worry, I’ve organised some activities which will utilise your skills effectively.” The Bombardier groaned. “Oh no!”, he cried. “If you think I’m reprising my role of Widow Twankey at Uranus Rep you can think again!!”………
Discover more Adventures of the Leconauts here:: https://loudhailer.net/the-leco-chronicles
Written by Loudhailer Electric Company’s Sonic Architect and keeper of the sacred flangector, Jeff Parsons
The Loudhailer Electric Company Leconauts, photo by Sypix
